Sunday, January 13, 2013

I have a problem

I have a problem. It's not been unknown, but I'm forcing myself to put it into clear and simple words.

I am addicted to busywork and distraction.

It is easier for me to think about what little thing to do next or look for one more interesting article posted on twitter than it is for me to do meaningful work.

Easier to read the news than read that design theory book.

Easier to read about religious debate than to mediate on truths.

Easier to check statuses than to write that heartfelt email.

Easier to read inspiring stories about someone else's social work instead of being part of a solution.

Easier to think about what should be done instead of doing it.

I have plenty I say I want to do. But the truth is I don't do much of it. I don't like this about myself and I want to change.

This not to say there are no meaningful priorities that I work on. Relationships with my wife, daughters, and son get a lot of attention. And over the past couple of months I've renewed and even improved my guitar practice. But the truth remains that I am not getting other important things done because of my bad habits.

Why do they exist? Does it matter? It probably does matter in that I can use the knowledge in the future to help my family or colleagues. But I'm not sure it matters right this instant. What I think I need right now is acknowledgement and reflection that will deepen my revulsion for this idolatry and laziness and lead me to resolve to change.

And yes, I am aware that resolve is typically not enough. I know of tools and techniques to help me change and will use them. In time. Soon.

But right now I am staring my problem in the face and I want it to know that it sickens me. Habits that were never consciously started can be the hardest to end. But it is time to end this.